I know I have written a lot about quitting, retiring, stepping back, etc. and all I can say is that is from a place where desperation and exasperation reigned supreme. This time however, it is different. My gut is not screaming at me to "stay in the game".
You can only fill a glass up to the rim before you start spilling liquid all over the place. I am all over the place.
I have been afforded a few minutes to post today. No pain, no extra-curricular messes, no interruptions.
The Now
My soul is tired. My mind is tired. My body aches. My medical situation is at a critical point, but not at a catastrophic fail point. My ambition erodes after each rejection. My confidnce wanes after each "You're not qualified."
My heart is heavy, my confidence is empty, my tank is near empty, all of me is weary.
Taking care of someone who is cognitively declining rapidly is a task. I have not risen to the occasion. A good portion of my day is trying to navigate the whitewaters and I have not done a great job at it. Stress of being able to do something while the stress of wondering if it is good enough compounded with the stress of wondering if you can hold it together until you and others can find a viable solution to all of it to make all pieces in the puzzle happy.
A potentially dire situation, medically speaking, concerning my signficant other and trying to not only be there when needed, but support and try to be the best version of myself and feeling very underwhelmed at my results so far. Trying to maintain a balance between not worrying at the moment so much and trying to be there when I am called upon and preparing myself for the worst case scenario and feeling like I am not going to be able to keep face and composure is nerve-wracking.
Finding employment because as much as I wish I could retire for good, I cannot. Finding that my experience in the tech space so far has garnered zero interest and I am considered in many cases as "not qualified" including accessibility roles I don't want to apply for.
I am the toughest critic I know and I expect nothing less than what my mind tells me. Making it clear in my own mind I deserve more than the positions I have held in the past 10 years.
Supporting others as I love to do even when that support is either not there or lost in the shuffle for whatever reason.
The Then
The past is the past and that will never change. Whether it was the "get off my lawn you kids" kinds of posts to opinionated diatribes from a pulpit of chaos, the past is the past. Mistakes are chances to learn. The thing I go by is whatever anyone thinks of me is none of my business. Especially when I can get the work done. Chemistry matters, don't get me wrong! But no matter how anyone looks at me, learning is how I grow and growing is how I succeed.
The past burnout taught me some very valuable lessons. That from the ashes of burnout come a great explosion of creativity.
Past occupations in and out of tech have taught me that I can adapt. I have that skill.
The Future
I have set a very important goal. by December 31, 2024, if not employed, I am going to call it. I am tired and it has been a road frought with many obstacles and barriers. My soul is tired and when my soul is tired, it is time to not only change, but step back and make choices I may not want to make or accept.
This means pulling accounts off the web and closing them. I've tried to make comeback after comeback and when I thought I was out, something has made me jump back in or drawn me in. This time, the future of where I live, bills I pay, food I eat, places I go, health I try to maintain depend upon my decisions.
What this future is, I have no idea. I have a few years left in me, this I know. What the future contains, I know a little bit.
I can't support vocally or electronically one way. It is a two-way street. Show me your support and you'll have mine. Silnce speaks volumes and I may need to become silent at times. Not because I am trying to prove a point, be mean, or whatever one's mind could think of, it is out of principle. Why would I take a bottle of poison and drink it? Even more, why would I take a bottle of poison, drink it, wait a few minutes, then drink more?
What serves me in action, not inaction. This has gotten to a level of selfishness, either this selfishness brigns me to where I need to be or it brings me to the end, meaning the Irish Goodbye. Leaving the Web entirely. Radio silence, if you will.
I see good people, great people, intelligent and wonderful people being discarded or forced to leave toxicity almost daily. You may be one of those people if you are reading this right now. I don't know why the landscape of tech has become this way for no other means other than greed and selfishness.
Maybe I need to take the selfishness and leave the rest? Or maybe, just maybe... I should just leave?